Diary of a Stoned Namek
by nedthejanitor
Summary: What if Piccolo could think while he was a stone statue during the Babidi saga? Well, I imagine it would go a little something like this...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Dragonball Z is an anime. **

Dear Diary. Mood: Solid (heh.)

Okay. Let's get something straight. I would totally have dodged that guy's spit if I knew it was going to turn me to stone.

He just got a cheap shot in, that's all.

The nerve of that son of a bitch, calling himself the King of the Demons. As far as I'm concerned, there was only one Demon King, and I'm the egg that came out of him. I don't care if Dabura's a million times stronger than my dad, he looks like a chump with that silly blue costume. Just looking at those stupid poofy blue pants and that puff-shouldered ultra-V-neck shirt makes me appreciate my own clothes. I may not be Heidi Klum, but at least my shoulders aren't puffs. They're spikes. That's more intimidating. I don't even remember where I learned that name. Heidi Klum, I mean.

I think I've wanted to start writing down all my thoughts since just before Cell showed up. But that hasn't really panned out, mainly because I've been too busy meditating to learn how to write. The last seven years, I've either been meditating or sleeping. Sometimes Dende says he can't tell which one I'm doing sometimes. Perhaps, if he were useful, he'd be able to tell the difference.

Low blow, I know. But I'm just telling the truth.

Krillin got spit on before the stuff on me actually had an effect. Brilliant move. You know, I don't know why he came with us instead of Android 18. Krillin probably wouldn't be able to win a fight with her after ten years in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. But she's the one who stayed behind with her daughter. Cute kid, but looks too much like her damn father.

Yeah, I know it's hypocritical to be making fun of Krillin for getting spit on. Shut up.

Oh, shit. I can hear a bird flying around my head. Barely, but it's there. Get away! Shoo! Shoo! Fuck off! Oh, God, I don't think I have my sense of feeling. That means it's probably going to take a crap on me and I won't be able to tell. Why did I retain my sense of hearing but nothing else? Is it because I'm Namekian? God damn it.

So, okay, I don't hear the bird. That scares me even more than hearing the bird. That means it probably landed on me. It's going to call like eighty of its friends over and that'll be it. They won't even touch Krillin either, I bet. Even a bird could see what a loser he is.

I don't know why I'm so much more down on Krillin than I used to be. Honestly- and I'm ashamed to say this, in a way- I think it's because he got Android 18. Namekians aren't supposed to have any sexual feelings. We reproduce by egg-budding, for Christ's sake. But I think I've learned a little about human romance from those two. They're the only two I could learn it from, I think. Goku and Chi-Chi's relationship is so celibate, they've only fucked like, twice. And Bulma and Vegeta? That little brat couldn't even detach from his own dick long enough to give it to Bulma. Besides, I've seen Bulma's "special robots." She keeps herself hanging off of them quite enough.

Anyway, to get off of that subject, I think my cape is actually starting to chafe my shoulders. I don't even know how that's possible, but it feels like… oh shit… OH SHIT! There better not be an insect nest living in my cape right now! Oh, son of a bitch! It feels like a bunch of tiny needles scraping the lining of my pink… uh, muscle things! Why did Namekians even evolve those, I wonder? Just seem like an unnecessary aesthetic touch. Heh. More like ASS-thetic. Heh. Heh. I'm not good at jokes.

I wonder what kind of bugs they are. Wow, that's weird. I'm not sure what I'd rather them be, that's even weirder. If they're bees, that's really going to be a bitch when I go back to normal. Well, if I even do. NO! None of that talk! I swore I'd be an optimist about this entire situation! Okay, uh… I don't have to listen to Dende and Mr. Popo play the "twisty game" anymore. I don't know what they do, because I close my eyes every time they start, but it sounds… squishy. Ugh.

What if they end up being scorpions? Shit, I hate scorpions. I wouldn't dare tell Mr. Popo or Dende that, though. They'd spray the whole damn lookout for scorpions and I'd never stop feeling embarrassed. Those two try way too hard to be accommodating and it ends up being smothering. There was this one time I mentioned how gross Mr. Popo's favorite stew smelled. He literally threw the batch he was in the middle of making off the lookout. I mean, fuck, it's what he likes to eat, I didn't want to make him stop. Just put a lid on it or something.

So what the hell are Goku, Vegeta, and Gohan doing anyway? If I had any money to bet, and the physical ability to bet it with someone, they'll release Majin Buu. Vegeta's probably dumb enough to let him out, Goku's probably too dumb to stop him, and Gohan…

Well, Gohan should at least be able to shake his head disgustedly in my place.

Anyway, I'm running out of shit to talk about, so I might as well try to get more meditating done. Just because I'm trapped in a stone prison, doesn't mean I can slouch on my training. I mean, all my powers maybe gone, but I can still… uhhh…

Fuck! Well, I have to do something to preoccupy myself! Not everyone can have a Nintendo 3DS like Dende! He even got a black one because it reminds him of Mr. Popo. I really need to separate those two when all of this is over. At least get different rooms.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: :remialcsiD**

Dear Diary. Mood: Stone-faced. (Heh heh heh!)

So, hey, it's been an hour and I'm still here. You know what I just found out? I found out my life as a statue and my life as a not-statue aren't too different after all. My mid-life crisis now has me by my big green ears and is riding me like a motorcycle.

You know what I'm going to do when I'm out of this bullshit? I'm going to pick up a sport. That's right. I'm thinking about volleyball. Mostly because I want to see how hard I can bunt one of those little yellow bastards. But, then again, with my luck, I just know I'll find the one opponent on earth who can spike it harder than I can. Yeah, and I bet it'll be some punk kid with long, wild blonde hair- oh, god, I'm definitely getting old. How old do Namekians live anyway? I think Nail would've known, but he sort of disappeared sometime over the last seven years. Maybe he just faded away, or got eaten up by Kami.

Honestly, my worst fear in the world is turning out like Guru one day. I mean, don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy and all, but being a giant beanbag chair with no bones isn't my idea of retirement. I mean, god, he didn't even have a shape by the time he died; his skeleton must've just been swimming around in his jowls by the time he got zapped to earth. I think if Namekians had been introduced to women before Guru got so fat, things wouldn't have happened like that. But, eh, I dunno.

Wait- is that an airplane?! It's one of those big commercial airliners, fucking Dende's always keeping tabs on those. That's a big hobby of his now- airplanes. I guess we all need a hobby, but I don't understand the thrill in riding an airplane if you can fly. I've ridden in one of Bulma's little passenger planes- they're ridiculously slow and dull. I swear, I'd get somewhere faster by running. Humans don't know how lucky they have it- when you've moved faster than the speed of light and battled some of the most powerful beings who have ever existed in the universe, the thrill is gone in most everything else.

Have you ever tried to hold a conversation with yourself? One time, I split into two mes. No, not like Kami- I used the multiform technique. But all I had to tell myself, he already knew. It's the weirdest thing, knowing just exactly what someone is going to say before it even comes out of their mouth. Eventually, I just gave up and re-assimilated. I'm not lonely- I'm just bored.

Anyway, good for that airplane, it just flew right by. I was so ready for it to just explode in mid-air, like what happened to Yajirobe that one time. I still think about the way that whole situation escalated. We went from fighting an old scientist and some fat ass albino guy to nearly getting killed over and over by Cell. I'm not really one for memes- that's more Mr. Popo's forte- but man, that escalated quickly. How did Future Trunks coming back change so much shit, anyway? And- oh, god, I bet Babidi and Dabura blew his future the fuck up. There was no way he was ready to deal with these guys. Either that, or him coming back here not only caused us to have to fight four more androids, but also somehow made these guys show up. In which case, fuck Future Trunks. And canon.

What. Wait, is that Trunks?! Goten?! What are these two doing at the battlefield?! What idiot told them about the fight going on here?! I'll kill them! ***meanwhile, somewhere in the world, a Videl sneezes* **Oh, great. Now Trunks and Goten are poking around on me. Wow, that came out wrong. And so did that. I will never complain about being lonely again. These dumbasses don't even realize it's me underneath this! Then again, how could they know? Are they supposed to just intuitively guess that I was turned to stone by a demon king? Yes. They are. The little bastards.

No. No no nno NO! FUCK! AAHHH! I FEEL THAT! I FEEL ALL OF THAT! OH GOD, WHY DID HE HAVE TO PUNCH ME OVER?! Well, this is just right fucking dandy! Everything is broken, and even if they kill Dabura I'm really going to have to wear my ass out trying to regenerate everything Trunks just fucked up. I'm going to regenerate my foot upside that kid's face, just you fucking watch.

Ah, who am I kidding? I don't want to deal with Vegeta if he finds out I bruised his kid. He'd want to either kill me or take me out to dinner, and I don't want to think too hard about which one I hate worse. The only thing I like about Vegeta is he makes me feel better about my own relationship with Gohan, at least the way it was for the first year I knew him. That reminds me- Gohan's power level back when he was seven was in the ten thousands, I think, but Goten here is already a Super Saiyan at the same age. So, exactly how the hell did that happen anyway? I wish Gohan would've been born with Goten's power, it sure as hell would have helped us a lot in the battle with Frieza.

God, I'm sick of listening to myself whine. Maybe I should try being an optimist again. Okay. Well, first of all, I don't have to get on that weight-loss program anymore. All of the limbs and smaller parts I just lost render that no longer necessary. Now I can probably continue to do all the things I normally do, but just not feel too guilty. …Oh, who am I kidding? I'd be better off trying to reminisce about Frieza some more. I mean, jeez, at least I spent most of that fight not doing much but still getting to watch. Or- shit, in the Cell fight I spent a lot of that chasing the bastard around or standing and watching. The point is, this is the worst thing Dabura could have done to me. Not only am I incapacitated, I'm bored. God damn, I am so bored.

Do I even know for sure if Dabura being killed is going to restore my flesh? No, I don't. So what are the other guys going to do with me when this is over? Maybe they'll glue me back together and put me up somewhere nice, like a museum. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about, that would be horrible! They have those "don't touch" signs all over the place, and kids still paw everything in the whole fucking room!

God, I just realized I say "fuck" a lot. Where did I pick up that habit? Oh, yeah, Mr. Popo.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Piccolo is not my property, but damn, would I love to have a Piccolo statue to put up in my living room. I mean, come on. That'd be so bitchin'.**

Dear Diary. Mood: Stoned (BA HAH HAH HAH HAAA!)

So, I have a kill list, if you're interested. And even if you aren't, I'm going to tell you anyway, so you may as well buckle up. Ready? Here goes:

**Trunks: **Who else could deserve to be at the top of my list right now? This little bastard managed to do what not even Nappa or Frieza could do way back in the day; break me into like a thousand different pieces. Does he have any idea how long it's going to take me to put myself back together from this? No, probably not, because I've only met him a few times. Also, he smells weird, and I don't know why nobody's mentioned that to Bulma. It's a weird smell, kind of like mustard. I liked his future counterpart a whole lot better. I wonder how he's doing. He should come and visit sometime. Or, well, no, because he'd probably get killed by Majin Buu.

**Goten: **For one thing, he's too much like his father for his own good. Goku's my friend and all, but I couldn't stand to be around him for longer than, eh, let's say an hour. And that's probably generous. Goten, much like Trunks, smells weird. Sort of like old mayonnaise. I don't know what it is with these kids and condiments, but there it is. Maybe I wouldn't mind him so much if he didn't do everything Trunks tells him to do. I mean, seriously. Just because Trunks is a little bit stronger than him, doesn't mean Goten should just act like his slave. Then again, I guess Vegeta had the same sort of relationship with Frieza. Maybe Trunks got some pointers. Speaking of Vegeta…

**Vegeta: **Ever since the first time I saw this dickhead, I've wanted a good one-on-one fight with him. Unfortunately, someone else- like Nappa or Frieza- was always in the way of me and him. Just one time, I'd like to knock that smart-ass grin off his fucking spoiled face. But the thing that sucks, he's always way stronger than I am. At this point, I don't think any of the non-saiyan Z fighters would even be able to catch up to him. It's really a shame, too. We used to be an actual team, but now anyone who isn't a saiyan just ends up being wish fodder. Anyway, this guy's a jerk. I think he ought to kill Majin Buu like a terrorist; blowing himself up. Save me the trouble, heh.

**The Supreme Kai: **You know, the least this idiot could have done is warned us before the fact that Dabura's spit turns people to stone. That would have been nice to know while he was racing right up to us to kill off Kibito. By the way, great job on saving your good friend, Supreme Kai. I'm sure the big, red bastard is going to be delighted to find himself in heaven because you couldn't be arsed to, you know, DEFLECT THE GIANT ENERGY WAVE. I mean, Dabura had his hand in the guy's face for a good ten seconds, it was pretty obvious what he was about to do. Then again, by that logic, I guess I could have saved the guy. Hmm. Moving on.

**Hercule, or Mr. Satan or whatever the fuck he goes by: **If I have to hear someone say this guy's the guardian and "champion of the world" one more time, I swear I'll go King Piccolo all over again just to prove him wrong. That right- I am willing to murder innocent people if it will shut this idiot up for a few seconds. The only thing this guy's the champion of is drunk pussy. I bet that daughter of his never even met her mother before. Erm, I guess I really shouldn't bring his kid into it. I think Gohan's pretty serious about her. Good for him, I guess. If he can handle having an idiot as a father-in-law, let him have it. He already has an idiot for a father. Speaking of…

**Goku: **I have gotten into more shit because of this man than I even care to recount at this point. Between taking care of his kid and having to dick with learning how to drive a car, I'm convinced this man has it out for me still. He's holding a grudge, and I have to watch my back. It may even be a family conspiracy- the first guy Goku and I fought side by side against was his brother. Wouldn't fucking surprise me, Goku called the guy up like, "Yeah, this green fag needs to have his ass handed to him, so you should ambush him and I'll 'help' him against you. Tee hee!" Yeah, I picture Goku to be the sort that says "fag" when he's talking to his older brother on the phone.

**Krillin: **Mostly because I want to see how the dragon reacts when we have to wish him back a third time. He's probably not going to believe the bullshit of that. I mean, yeah, I guess he's been resurrected once by each dragon, but I think they keep correspondence with each other. That's just a theory, though, I can't really substantiate it. Point is, Krillin is useless. If it came between Krillin fighting Frieza or having Goku throw his feces at him, they'd both have about the same impact. Unless Goku had eaten Chinese the night before, then Goku would be about 122,431 times more effective than Krillin. I needn't comment any further.

**Bulma: **If I'm going to add Vegeta and Trunks to the list, I might as well add her too. Basically, anybody who would sire a child with Vegeta is an idiot, and anyone who would not only keep that child, but raise it and love it, even after it turned out to be Trunks, is some kind of Ultra mega idiot from a depth I can't even imagine plumbing. And let me tell you, I don't even care about sounding sexist, because I'm a Namekian and we don't have any women on our planet. Well, I mean, I was born on Earth, but that's hardly the matter at hand here. For all the screaming and stupidity I've had to hear from Bulma, she can only drop dead.

Well, I think that covers just about everybody. You may be wondering why only people who're on my side made it to the kill list. And all I have to say to that is-

Wait. What was that? Was that Dabura screaming? Oh, yeah! I'm going to be turned back to normal!

…**SHIT! **I'm going to be returned to normal! I'm in a million fucking pieces! Okay, it's okay, it's okay, I can regenerate. But that doesn't help the pain very god damn much! I swear, I should have just said no when they asked me to participate in the tournament. If I'd only done that, I could be hanging on the lookout right now, watching the show and eating popcorn. But no, no, I had to attend a Z fighter reunion, even though every time one of those has happened, some new, stupid villain has shown up to fucking ruin everything and set off a chain of events that somehow gets almost all of us killed.

I think this punishment for making a kill list. The universe apparently does have a karma sort of thing going for it.

The craziest part of all this is, we- the Z fighters- are probably going to look back on it really fondly. Or, at least, look back on it and laugh. What the hell is the matter with us? We look back on the fight with Frieza and act so casual, and the fight with Cell is becoming the same thing. These people were mass murderers, do people who fought Hitler have the same reaction to that?! I could just be reading too much into it, but I swear it seems wrong. A super hero shouldn't want to have to use his powers at all. But if they didn't, why would they even have them in the first place?

**THE END**


End file.
